


Family

by Koraki (orphan_account)



Category: The 39 Clues
Genre: Family, Fanon, Friendship, Gen, Other, crackship
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2012-06-17
Updated: 2012-06-17
Packaged: 2017-11-07 22:18:07
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,929
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/436053
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/Koraki
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Everything that makes up the world's biggest extended family in 100 stories, based on 100 writing prompts found while surfing the Web. Genres will vary wildly, crack pairings and self-made fanon will abound, and updates may be sporadic, but I hope you'll all have fun reading this, as I intend to have writing it. Unless otherwise noted, none of these take place in the same universe and nothing past The Medusa Plot is canon. Moreover, as is usual for me, nothing found in the trading cards, the Black Book, or the website will ever be regarded as canon. All characters will be respected. Prompt ratings are unlikely to go past high PG13. Requests (for pairing, characters, etc.) will all be considered. Reviews and bookmarks will be met with gratitude.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. A dusty old top hat

**Prompt 1. A dusty old top hat**

It was love at first sight.

Perhaps the existence of affection between a boy and his appropriately dubbed Wizard Hat was debatable, but Broderick didn’t think so. With the marked absence of a puppy, a sibling, or any other sort of sociable critter resounding through his son’s childhood, an old, velvety black top hat was perhaps just the companion Jonah needed.

The relationship lasted nearly three years to the day. It had started – quite unexpectedly, really – when Broderick’s grandma passed away and he headed down to Georgia to collect the few knick-knacks she had left to him, as well as any other stuff the rest of the family didn’t care to claim. Among the assorted curios, the weathered top hat had caught his eye, and he’d brought it home along with a banjo, a distinctly ugly ceramic cat, several ferns, and a good-sized heap of moth-eaten knit blankets. 

The ferns perished on the return flight. 

After a day of feeling its creepy lopsided stare stabbing him right between the shoulders, Broderick gratefully allowed the cat to mysteriously disappear out of his car window into the sparse shrub barrier around his cousin-in-law’s yard – he had a strange feeling that she’d cherish it.

He’d have gladly kept his grandpa’s old banjo and the colorful, albeit holey blankets, but Cora wouldn’t have those things in her house, thank you very much. 

But the hat made its way under his wife’s radar, quite by accident, really. For whatever reason, it decided to enter his mind the very next Saturday that he found himself alone with Jonah, so on the spur of the moment Broderick suggested that they try out an adventure game instead of holding their two-man-band’s usual concert. Jonah was open to the idea, and so began the epic tale of a quirky young wizard-slash-rapper, an evil sorcerer king, a magical hat, and a couple of invisible squirrels. Broderick wasn’t exactly sure where those came from, but he played along.

The saga wended its way down paths of darkness and light, of humor and drama, of raucous shrieks and glorious song, and inevitably it was the old Wizard Hat that saved the young hero every time he was near despair. Sometimes it whispered words of sage advice in his ear, while other times it produced bursts of celestial melodies that drove back the threatening evil. And though throughout almost three years of Saturdays, young Ha’noj never quite managed to defeat Kiredorb forever, he had often cornered him and cast powerful spells of bondage with the power of the holey Wizard Hat – 

“I don’t wanna do it anymore,” Jonah said suddenly, brushing the hat off his head with a dismissive twitch of his hand. An air of finality lingered in his words as he blinked slowly at the floor, then slid his eyes tentatively up towards his father. “I got an audition today again anyways. With Mom. Soon.” Almost apologetically, he bent down again and scooped the hat off of the floor, cradling it for a moment as if it were a child. Then, as if remembering himself, he thrust it away, holding it out towards Broderick. Broderick took it wordlessly and Jonah’s shoulders trembled momentarily but didn’t yet slump. “It’s not really a wizard hat, anyways,” the boy offered lamely, making an excuse for his actions. “It’s a magician hat. Magicians are kinda fake. No real powers, yeah, Dad?”

“No.” Broderick had been turning the ragged black hat in his hands, running his fingers over the now-rough cloth worn by the eager touch of a child’s hands. “They’re just actors, Jonah, you’re right.”

“But you know what?” Jonah’s dark eyes sparkled. “You know what the real thing is, Dad?” He didn’t wait for his father’s answer, but plunged right ahead into the answer. “Wizards! They don’t fake at all, an’ guess what? I’m a Wizard. I’m the real thing!” 


	2. Lily, the cuddly black kitten

**Title:** Family

**Fandom:** The 39 Clues

**Summary:** Everything that makes up the world's biggest extended family in 100 stories.

**Disclaimer:** The 39 Clues (c) its respective owners. I'm only playing around with characters.

**Author's note:** Based on 100 writing prompts found while surfing the Web. Genres will vary wildly, crack pairings and self-made fanon will abound, and updates may be sporadic, but I hope you'll all have fun reading this, as I intend to have writing it. _Unless otherwise noted_ , none of these take place in the same universe and nothing past The Medusa Plot is canon. Moreover, as is usual for me, nothing found in the trading cards, the Black Book, or the website will ever be regarded as canon. All characters will be respected. Prompt ratings are unlikely to go past a high T. Requests (for pairing, characters, etc.; as detailed as you like) will all be considered, and those that are written will be dedicated to whoever requested them. Reviews and favorites will be met with gratitude.

Prompt **:** 2\. Lily, the cuddly black kitten

Rating: K+ (for mild language and a suggestive comment)

Genre: Humor/Friendship

Characters: Ian Kabra, Evan Tolliver; _mentions of_ Amy Cahill, Dan Cahill, Saladin, animal OC

Note: What would happen if a feral kitten invaded Ian Kabra's home? This was intended to be about a quarter of its final length, but once started, I couldn't stop. Ian's middle name is fanon; I feel it's appropriate, as the Lucian branch holds power as something to be highly desired ("Augustus" means "great" or "venerable"). This oneshot takes place at some point after the Vespers have been defeated (remember, in this oneshot nothing after TMP is canon).

.oOo.

**To:** Evan Tolliver

**Re:** Possible Vesper activity at Skala Rubini, Tikhaya Bay, Franz Josef Land, Russia

Tolliver,

Many thanks for the detailed subject line. A simple "Skala Rubini, Tikhaya Bay" would suffice, however. Please don't overexert yourself on my account.

The so-called Vesper activity – a rather hasty label to slap onto a possibly trivial suspicion, in my opinion – was duly investigated by several top Lucian agents native to the area. Evidence of a temporary settlement some years ago was discovered, but my agents uncovered nothing activated within the past decade. You may assure your intrepid in-laws that all is well.

One final matter remains to be discussed. I seem to recall that you are somewhat of an expert in the area of _Felis silvestris catus_ , that is, the domestic cat. Your advice on a particular predicament of mine would be most helpful, though not at all necessary.

Sincerely,

Ian Augustus Kabra

**To:** Ian Kabra

**Re:** Re: Possible Vesper activity at Skala Rubini, Tikhaya Bay, Franz Josef Land, Russia

Kabra,

Thanks for telling me that. I'll be sure to keep it in mind next time I have to contact you. Hopefully that won't be too soon, even though our conversations are always a pleasure.

Okay, that's a relief. You may assure your poor broken heart that the Cahills are not, as of yet, my in-laws. There're still a couple years of college for me and Amy to get through. I'll be sure to update you anytime we have a squabble so you can swoop in and console the weeping maiden. ;)

Many thanks for the scientific name. A simple "cat" would suffice. What've you done to some poor beast this time?

-Evan

**To:** Evan Tolliver

**Re** : Re: Re: Possible Vesper activity at Skala Rubini, Tikhaya Bay, Franz Josef Land, Ru…

Tolliver,

The pleasure of our mutually beneficial interactions over the World Wide Web is all mine, I assure you.

I shall be sure to do so. Please abstain from further use of emotioncons, particularly those that involve corruption of the rightmost half of parentheses. I totally abhor said abominations.

I have done nothing to the wretched creature, as a matter of fact. As usual, it's actually the other way around. It would seem that one of the horrid beasts has somehow found its way into the ancestral home of Natalie and myself, and has busied itself with the most heinous crimes imaginable. I haven't seen the animal, personally, but I assure you that there is a surplus of evidence that it is indeed still within my home. If you would care to offer a theory in regards to ridding myself of the menace, you are most welcome to; I'm sure said theory would be erroneous, but I know that you enjoy your petty imaginings, so have at it.

-Ian Augustus Kabra

**To:** Ian Kabra

**Re:** Re: Re: Re: Possible Vesper activity at Skala Rubini, Tikhaya Bay, Franz Josef Land, …

That's "emoticons", Kabra. I'll make sure I will, promise. :) :) :)

You must have done something to offend it, really. Sometimes I think animals just don't like you. Amusing insults aside, though, exactly what kind of "heinous crimes" is it supposedly committing? It's probably something like shredding your finest silk boxers. Shame.

-Evan

**To:** Evan Tolliver

**Re:** Re: Re: Re: Re: Possible Vesper activity at Skala Rubini, Tikhaya Bay, Franz Jos…

Oh, I suppose you think that's amusing, don't you. Very well. Play your childish emoticon games. I shan't respond – I consider myself above such things.

Don't be a prat, Tolliver. I'll have you know that I've sustained wonderful and fulfilling relationships with companion animals. The feline is indeed launching an offensive on my clothing, and I'll thank you not to comment on the material of which my drawers are made. Your girlfriend's barely discernible stuttering may be slightly flattering, but I honestly don't think I can deal with the idea of more than one besotted American dwelling upon mental images of my undergarments "all the live-long day", as one of your own folk-song writers so quaintly put it.

Proud of my physical appearance though I may be, my clothes are not the greatest problem, Tolliver – and neither are Natalie's, in the unlikely event that she's been in contact with you recently and has been feeding you said sob story. In all seriousness, though, I do fear for the safety of some of our antiques. There is evidence that that creature is showing an interest in the fringe of the famed seventeenth century Luke tapestry, for example, and it's made short work of any ceramics within leaping distance. Your amateur suggestions of ways to deal with this will be scoffed at, but do feel free to send them.

-I. A. K.

P.S. I finally caught the creature on camera. It looks like – and these are honestly the only words that can describe it, Tolliver, so don't mock me – a black shape with a variegated perimeter. Black shapes with variegated perimeters disgust me. They are reminiscent of the time that a clumsy commoner spilt coffee on my finest white jacket in the midst of a high-speed chase. It did not wash out. Alas.

**To:** Ian Kabra

**Re:** Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Possible Vesper activity at Skala Rubini, Tikhaya Bay, Fran…

Good. You shouldn't be angry. I was just trolling you a little bit. :)

Sure. Okay. You've had "wonderful and fulfilling relationships with companion animals". Get me some proof and I'll believe you, Kabra. And those underwear comments? Not mature at all. Do your family (and me) a favor and grow up, please.

I've never heard of this famous Luke tapestry. Oh well, must be the inborn stupidity that comes of being a non-Cahill. You should try squirting citrus juice around the items you don't want the cat to mess with – most cats really hate the smell of it, but most humans like it, so it's really a win-win situation. It actually doesn't work on Saladin, although he's intelligent enough that if you tell him to stay off of something he will.

-Evan

P.S. I don't really care what it looks like, Ian, but if you decide to keep it you could call it Coffee.

**To:** Evan Tolliver

**Re:** Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Possible Vesper activity at Skala Rubini, Tikhaya Bay…

_Trolling?_ I am not at all familiar with that term. Have you, perchance, changed your surname to something more fitting? Evan Trolliver…it really does suit you, you know…

Even if I had proof, we both know that you wouldn't believe me. You would say that I had photoshopped whatever image I provided. In response to your dissuasion with my underwear implications, I'd just like to ask since when does the truth upset poor little Trolliver?

I had no idea that non-Cahills had inborn stupidity, although looking at you as a specimen, I would definitely believe it. Surprisingly enough, the citrus juice tip worked, and even more surprisingly I quite like the scent. I don't suppose you have any idea how to get the little bastard out of my home altogether, though, and as I have already said: if you did you'd most likely be wrong. You certainly are far from the most intelligent person I have had the displeasure of meeting.

-I. A. K.

P.S. I am most certainly not keeping the hoodlum. What sort of a person calls a cat Coffee, anyways? The name suggests that you intend to drink its blood or do something equally ghastly to it. Good Lord, Trolliver – and here I was thinking you appreciated the awful beasties.

**To:** Ian Kabra

**Re:** Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Possible Vesper activity at Skala Rubini, Tikha…

That's very funny, Kabra. If it makes you feel better about your inability to spell, by all means keep calling me that.

You seem to have a low estimation of my morality. That's very encouraging, really. To be honest, I don't think I'm the only one involved in this conversation who's upset by the truth. Which one of us was it, again, who left the room in a huff after Dan complained about frequent nocturnal travels between the bedrooms at the last Cahill reunion? (And I'll have you know that he actually wasn't referring to me. Or Amy. Thanks.)

I'm sure you would, knowing your bias against me. What's really surprising is that I'm still interested in helping you with your ridiculous problem when I should just stop responding and tell you to go find out what Google is. Oh well, I guess I am an idiot. Why don't you just use your crafty Lucian brain and build a neat little trap for the cat? Try baiting it with fish. Cats absolutely love seafood. Oh yeah – thank you so much for that final debilitating comment. I really needed that.

-Evan

P.S. I was thinking you might grow attached to it. Guess not. And honestly, you're the only person I've ever met who has those feelings about naming a cat after a drink. It's a very disturbing opinion, actually.

**To:** Evan Tolliver

**Re:** Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Possible Vesper activity at Skala Rubini, T…

I shall do so, Trolliver.

Well, with comments like that, you leave no doubt about your own maturity level, do you not? That reunion was two years ago, and I left the room due to a sudden bout of indigestion. I couldn't care less what you and your girlfriend are doing together, thank you very much – what a sordid suggestion.

In any case, I managed to trap the cat. You most likely don't believe it, but I did recall that that demonic animal of Amy's has a strange craving for blue marlin, and procured some of the finest for use in my trap. I didn't feel the need to design anything terribly complicated, so I simply scaled down a model B99 A-grade bear trap (design exclusive to the branch, obviously) used by some of the Canadian Lucians. It's actually mostly obsolete by now, but I thought it would do the trick quite nicely, as its purpose is to simply keep the animal from escape without sedating or killing it. I later decided that I ought to have used a different design, preferably a fatal one, but it was too late by then.

The moment I was alerted to the trap's having been sprung, I exited my room. (By the way, Tolliver, it was approximately 2:00 A.M. Is it natural for any animal to be active at that time? I've already had the creature checked for rabies, of course, but am curious what feline disorders manifest themselves through insomnia.) I made my way cautiously down the hallway and was honestly thrilled to discover that the trap had worked as advertised, though the beast was making a horrid racket. The noise emitting from the trap caused me to mistrust the evidence that my security cameras had provided; I was quite certain for a moment that I had not captured a house cat, but rather the Beast of Exmoor or some such animal. Then, of course, I moved around to the front and got a proper look at it. It was actually quite scrawny and very small.

Not knowing what exactly should be done to pacify the creature, I hurriedly procured more blue marlin and fed the horrid beast with the help of a pair of gently used kitchen tongs. Using my intimate knowledge of psychology, I assigned a name to the animal that referred to a small white marking on its forehead: a vaguely star-shaped blotch, barely off-center to the right. As I happen to know, although you seem to be sadly unaware of this fact, it is extremely disconcerting to hear oneself referred to as a sort of food or beverage. Therefore, I did not call the feline "Vanilla" or "Milky" or "Messy Bit of Flour". Instead I gave it a very proper, decent name that I'm sure it would be quite proud of, were it sentient. I just bet you'd like to know what it was.

-I.A.K.

**To:** Ian Kabra

**From:** Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Possible Vesper activity at Skala Rubin…

It's nice to know that you've solved that problem, Ian (although Saladin's favorite food is red snapper – no wonder he's narrowing his eyes at the screen disapprovingly as I type this). Seems like you sort of overkilled with that bear trap, but if it works for you, okay. And no, I'm not really interested in what you named it…

Anyways, good luck with the newest addition to the Kabra family, and please stop spamming my high-priority inbox with cat news now!

-Evan

**To:** Evan Tolliver

**From:** Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Possible Vesper activity at Skala R…

I didn't name it, I simply referred to it as "Lily" in order to pacify it so that it wouldn't rip through the trap and maul me severely. Anyways, it's not "the newest addition to the Kabra family". I'll have you know that the moment the butler removed it from his head, I had him toss it down the trash chute – the one that leads to the incinerator. Kabras don't keep pets, Tolliver – only an outsider like you would entertain such an ide[p0o[okgtnj 4938nfvbnfg aewefasd asoj123ecfv ,,/l;p;'l[/

**To:** Evan Tolliver

**From:** Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Possible Vesper activity at Skal…

Don't you dare insinuate that that was the beast stepping on my keyboard – ha, the idea! For your information, I am exercising reverse psychology on you. The animal was toast hours ago.

-I.A.K.

**To:** Ian Kabra

**From:** Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Possible Vesper activity at …

…Suuure.

Saladin says "meow" to Lily. :)

-Evan

**To:** Evan Tolliver

**From:** Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Possible Vesper activity …

Don't be so ridiculously sentimental, Tolliver.

-I.A.K.

P.S. …I'll tell her he said hello.

.oOo.


	3. A certificate for achievements in piano study

**Title:** Family

**Fandom:** The 39 Clues

**Summary:** Everything that makes up the world's biggest extended family in 100 stories.

**Disclaimer:** The 39 Clues (c) its respective owners. I'm only playing around with characters.

**Author's note:** Based on 100 writing prompts found while surfing the Web. Genres will vary wildly, crack pairings and self-made fanon will abound, and updates may be sporadic, but I hope you'll all have fun reading this, as I intend to have writing it. _Unless otherwise noted_ , none of these take place in the same universe and nothing past The Medusa Plot is canon. Moreover, as is usual for me, nothing found in the trading cards, the Black Book, or the website will ever be regarded as canon. All characters will be respected. Prompt ratings are unlikely to go past a high T. Requests (for pairing, characters, etc.; as detailed as you like) will all be considered, and those that are written will be dedicated to whoever requested them. Reviews and favorites will be met with gratitude.

Prompt **:** 3\. A certificate for achievements in piano study

Rating: K

Genre: Family

Characters: Ian Kabra, Amy Cahill, OC

Note: Just a _tiny_ little vignette/drabble with no real explanation. I don't even know if Amy and Ian are married or not. If you'd like them to be, or if you think it seems as if they are, then they can be. If you ship someone else with Amy (like me!) or you think they come off as just friends, then they don't have to be. Personally, I go with the latter interpretation, but it could swing either way.

.oOo.

" _Piano?_ Woman, your daughter's a Janus!" His eyes glinted roguishly as he balanced a gleeful seven-year-old on his left hip, studying an ornate slip of paper held carefully by one corner in the opposite hand. "Now do elaborate, how did that happen?"

Despite herself, her face split into a smile and she moved forward to tousle her daughter's short auburn hair. "A Janus, hm?" Her right eyebrow arched mischievously. "Well, I do seem to recall a rather out-of-hand party around a decade ago – vanquished the villainous Vespers and all, seemed to be cause for a celebration, and the night was really a blur, so if one thing had led to another I'm not quite certain I'd remember it and – "

"'The night was really a blur', was it? What exactly is that supposed to imply?" He swung the brown-haired child back down to the ground with a skillful grace. "Run along and put that up on the dishwasher, then, Nat."

The woman laughed. "I don't think we'll discuss those comestibles which tend to induce blurriness around my child, Ian. He means the refrigerator, Nataliya, and I'm _very_ proud of you," she added, turning her gaze to the girl, who giggled, shook her hair coquettishly, and fled in the direction of the kitchen.

"'Comestibles which tend to induce blurriness'? Eighteen-year-old Amy Cahill? Surely not!" His eyes sparkled as he shook his head in mock disbelief. "I'd have never believed you had it in you, love."

"Well, I admit that it may have happened, so you can start believing it," she said shortly, but her eyes were smiling. "And how many times do I have to ask you to stop calling me that?"

"It's been sixteen years, _love_." He smirked and dodged her playful smack. "I fully intend for my aggravating linguistic habits to become the stuff of Madrigal legend."

"You do it so often that you may actually be in luck there," she admitted ruefully, turning to Nataliya, who'd re-entered the room and was now tugging silently on the edge of her mother's shirt. "Can't find any magnets, Liya? Never mind." She shot a wicked grin at the man beside her. "I know exactly who will help you out."

.oOo.


End file.
